In the morning, 31.1.2014
In the beginning I sense some kind of “after pain” in my right hand fingers. There was some kind of hassle with the camera before the sitting when I was taking this session's picture and my hands were frozen.Peculiar sounds. I open my eyes several times. Wind is moving the branches (or is it the frost?) and there are sounds like someone would be releasing stretched springs. There is an outdoor path maybe 30 meters from my position and I’m curious, can the by-passers see me. No one seems to even watch to this direction, but it seems to be some kind of concern for myself: what if someone discovers I'm sitting here? I watch, how a jogger goes by, and a cyclist, and a lady with a dog.
My thoughts are drawn into the idea of these outdoor sessions. I'm thinking some time the blog I was planning to put up for this project. Some dreaming about how there would be some interest for this little project. This is a voice or tone, which seems to be invincible. And then there is the opposing voice, who thinks that no-one cares. At some point I wake up and I notice that there appears to be also some thoughts, which are saying that I should not dream this way. Some part of myself thinks that this kinds of thoughts are vain.
I hear some new continuing sound and think it must be some kind of vehicle or machine driving or doing something near me. Suddenly I realize that it’s the wind. It has increased. When it stops again I hear like someone would pour some liquid down to the ground. The first idea is that someone has come into the woods and is urinating, but then I got an idea that it must come from the falling needles. I feel confident with this assumption. It's intriguing discovery. When the wind rises again I feel similar confidence. I know what is happening, so, I don’t have to open my eyes.
I’m starting to feel cold. There is a frozen spot in my right leg. I change my posture. The coldness is starting to feel all over my body. Some kind of terror is crawling into my thoughts. Should I just stop and go home? I calm myself and continue to sit.
I hear a bird somewhere up in the trees. Suddenly I have a question in my head: am I going to feel togetherness with these surroundings? At the same time I feel like I’m sinking into some kind of darkness. It’s not the feeling of falling asleep, but somehow similar sensation of relaxation or “draining”. I feel that I’m inseparable part of this place. At the same time, I wonder did my thoughts produce this or was this mind state already coming but my conscious thoughts just noticed it in a form of a thought/question. The sensation of togetherness lasts for a while, maybe half a minute or so, and then it’s gone.
I’m feeling very cold. My belly is trembling a little and I notice that my chin is also quivering. I feel a strong need to stop. I have a fear that I will not survive this. At the same time I’m thinking that everything is okay. I remind myself to be benevolent for myself. I also notice that I’m not stressed or nervous. Everything seems to be just fine. It’s an interesting mixture of fearfulness and peacefulness. The worry about physical conditions has flushed away all the other kinds of worries. Things have been prioritized automatically. There is a crow sitting just in front of myself up in the tree. A thought that it wouldn’t be nice to be an animal who had to live the whole winter outside.
Somehow all this is amusing me and I smile. I’m freezing but somehow this whole exploration seems to be meaningful. I feel confidence that this is worth of the troubles. When the bell rings I’m delighted but also little surprised.
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