29.1.2014
In the beginning of the session I feel a sharp pain in my left knee. I’m thinking: can I continue to sit at all, but then I decide to wait for a while and see, how these sensations of pain develop. My attention is drawn into the sounds around me. The tarpaulin, that covers our outdoor furniture, makes sounds. First I think that someone is doing something in our neighbors’ backyard, but then I watch how the tarpaulin is moving in the wind, and notice that it's the source of the rustling noises.The sun is shining directly in my face. It feels warm and nice. I can feel the coldness of air and the warmness of the sun simultaneously. I feel confident that this time I wouldn’t feel cold too much (I was feeling cold when I sat first time outside couple of days ago in Sysmä). My zafu feels comfortable and warming. A woolen blanket covers my legs. I’m happy that I decided to come outside. After all, it was quite easy to manage and I feel some kind of joy of this “success” or “achievement”. My thoughts are drawn into the possible places I could also try to sit. I’m thinking the blog I have been planning to publish. The idea is to publish pictures and meditation diaries of meditation sessions in unusual places. Now I got an idea that it could be named Northern Meditation Project or The Northern Meditation Test Lab. My in-depth idea of this blog is to explore the impact of outer conditions or circumstances on my experiences.
There are lots of different kinds of sounds and noises: cracks, scratches and tinkling. Some of the noises I can link to some known sources. The tinkling is coming probably from the flagpole rope of the neighbors. I notice that some sounds, which I can’t identify, makes me nervous. There is some kind of social worry. The main idea in this feeling is: what others will think about me, if they see me sitting here in the middle of winter? Do they think that I’m crazy... some sort of lunatic? I can feel how the tensions of my body go up when I hear these unrecognizable noises. My heart is bouncing. A thought: “This is interesting. I thought that this session would be about the coldness and the weather conditions outside, but it seems that the biggest effect of this location is more like social one. Anyone who is standing or walking in the neighbor’s yard can see me very well.”
I observe the sensations for a while. There is some kind of fear of getting caught mixed with some kind of shame or embarrassment. I wonder this for a while. Why it feels like this? I’m planning to publish these sittings in a blog but at the same time I feel this kind of unpleasantness. Is this caused by a desire of being understood by others? This seems to be a typical repetitive feeling/thought, when I’m sitting in places where people, who don’t necessarily know anything about meditation (or me), can see me. After some contemplation about this subject I feel that I can leave it behind and just sit here. In the end, it doesn’t matter what some stranger thinks about my meditation or me.
I notice that the amount of sunlight falls quickly. I open my eyes and see that sun has moved behind a tree. I also notice that our shed is going to block the sunlight after a while. I’m thinking: am I going to feel cold after all? A slightly doubtful feeling. I notice that my knee doesn’t hurt anymore. I feel relaxed and when the sunlight comes back from behind the tree, I see yellow light in my eyes. I look the sun and after that there is some kind of mirror image in my retinas. It is like a L-shaped figure and there are three dots in it: one in the both ends of the figure and one in the corner of the L. A thought: did I move my eyes or my head that way that sun created this image in my retina? I see also very small circles or balls of light in my sight. They are like small sparks. This reminds me again about the last session on the frozen lake.
After a while I notice that sun has moved behind the shed. I feel the coldness of air in my face. There is also some kind of sensations of cold in my upper torso. My injured ankle starts to hurt a little, so I change my posture couple of times. In the end of the session I notice some kind of twitching in my chest. I wonder, is it just the sensation of the heart beat or is it some reaction to the coldness. It feels alternately on the right and the left side of my chest. Somehow I connect this sensation to the visual image of drops of water dripping from a icicle. This sensation and image stays until the end of the session.
I notice that the amount of sunlight falls quickly. I open my eyes and see that sun has moved behind a tree. I also notice that our shed is going to block the sunlight after a while. I’m thinking: am I going to feel cold after all? A slightly doubtful feeling. I notice that my knee doesn’t hurt anymore. I feel relaxed and when the sunlight comes back from behind the tree, I see yellow light in my eyes. I look the sun and after that there is some kind of mirror image in my retinas. It is like a L-shaped figure and there are three dots in it: one in the both ends of the figure and one in the corner of the L. A thought: did I move my eyes or my head that way that sun created this image in my retina? I see also very small circles or balls of light in my sight. They are like small sparks. This reminds me again about the last session on the frozen lake.
After a while I notice that sun has moved behind the shed. I feel the coldness of air in my face. There is also some kind of sensations of cold in my upper torso. My injured ankle starts to hurt a little, so I change my posture couple of times. In the end of the session I notice some kind of twitching in my chest. I wonder, is it just the sensation of the heart beat or is it some reaction to the coldness. It feels alternately on the right and the left side of my chest. Somehow I connect this sensation to the visual image of drops of water dripping from a icicle. This sensation and image stays until the end of the session.
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