16.–17.4.2014
I went again to the woods of Nuuksio for a one night retreat.The insight I got from this trip was an experienced understanding about my contradictory aims on these kinds of retreats: I understood that I was seeking two different things at once and because of this, I had contradictory feelings and sensations.
The first aim was to explore the effects of sitting outside alone. Especially, when the sun is going down, the environment starts to take grip on me. Different kinds of worrying and scary thoughts starts to emerge. This part of my experience exists also during the day, but in a lighter way. In the evening the sensations and thoughts starts to strengthen. This effect of the context of nature produces tightness in my belly and an urge to look often, is there something or someone behind me. I feel alive, alert and ready to jump up.
The second aim of mine was to explore the more subtle and deeper mind states produced by meditation and the transitions into these stages. This happens after I'm relaxed and calm and I'm able to "surrender" to my experiences. For example, if I notice an image in my mind or a peculiar sensation, the mind state is sometimes changing just by observing and holding my focus on the noticed thing. After that different kinds of joyful, tranquil or serene mind states are possible to achieve.
The experienced understanding I got from this retreat was that it seems to be impossible to gain both of these goals fully with this setup. It might be possible to relax more, if I could be longer in the woods. One night seems to be too short time for that.
The second possibility is to sit in the nature without the worrying effects of it. That could be possible with some meditation company or in a more familiar place, e.g. in a summer cottage. Now the summer is coming and I'm think that I'm going to try something like this. (After this retreat, I tested to sit by the lake in our summer cottage, and the experience was relaxing and pleasant, so, the context seems to have quite big effect on the activity of mind. )
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