13.2.2014, Forenoon

First, my attention goes towards sounds. I can hear the cars driving by. Some ice fishermen are talking to each other on the pond. There is a construction site somewhere far away. I can hear sounds of heavy machinery. I’m thinking how hard it is to get away from soundscape of humans.

Birds are singing. The sun is shining. It feels good to be out here. Many times during the session a phrase comes into my mind: “This is a day well spent.”

I hear someone walking on the snow. This makes me alert. Maybe the fishermen are walking on ice, but I can’t see anyone. There is the familiar sensation of being afraid that someone sees me and do not understand what I’m doing here. I observe these sensations for a while and little by little they are gone.

At some point I open my eyes and see little birds flying from tree to tree under the cliff I’m sitting. I’m curious what birds they are. I can hear the hum when they are flying. In tree near me there is a small bird with a sharp beak. It is climbing the tree upwards with its feet. Maybe it is trying to find something to eat from the bark of the tree. I feel happy to see this. There is curiosity and some kind of gentleness in this sensation.

At some point my concentration gets better. I start to observe some kind of flames I can see my eyes closed. There is some kind of sensation of relaxation and surrender. At the same time I’m thinking am I forcing myself into different mind state, but it doesn’t feel that way. I watch these luminous images in my sight for a while. At some point I notice that I have opened my eyes. I see the scenery very sharply. The earlier sensation of concentration is gone. If I compare, the earlier mind state felt softer. This present one is somehow harder and ruder. There is some kind of lack of warm emotions. 

In the very end of the session I keep my eyes closed again and see some kind of yellow plasma in my sight. My mind is peaceful. I’m quite surprised when the bell rings. The time went by very fast. This was a great day trip: a day well spent.

11.2.2014 In the morning

The ground is wet. During the session I’m thinking couple of times: is my zabuton (the big square-shaped pillow under me) going to be wet. I have a cover for it but it’s not waterproof. Because of these thoughts I start to observe different kinds of voices speaking in my mind. This first fellow is a little bit worried. He is concerned what happens if the zabuton gets too wet. The ground under the thin blanket of snow is quite muddy, so, this part of myself is thinking, is the pillow going to be unusable because of this mud and water.

The second point of view or inner voice is an annoyed one. He thinks that the thoughts of the worried part is just materialistic and shallow. What happens, happens. That’s all.

Then there is some kind of "rational" voice, who is saying that if the pillow becomes muddy, it can be cleaned or if it’s too dirty I can get a new one for indoor use. The voice says: "It’s no big deal".

At some point I notice that I’m reporting my experiences. It is like a meditation diary written inside my head. This narrator is explaining to me what is happening. Somehow I start to wonder, is this voice a little bit funny and ironic. Somehow its tone is connected to a thought about comedy or farce.

In the end part of the session I notice that I’m also translating my experience into English. Then there is simultaneously some kind of observer who is thinking what is the influence of this writing project for my meditation experience. The situation/dialogue/choir of voices is so confusing that I start to laugh.

I listened couple of days ago an episode of The Secular Buddhist Podcast with Charlie Fisher as a guest. His book Meditation in the Wild: Buddhism’s Origin in the Heart of Nature has just been published. I felt the podcast meaningful for myself because it brought up same themes I have been investigating with my sitting outdoors project. Should we try to connect more with the nature around us?

6.2.2014, In the morning

In the beginning, it feels good to sit. I notice some noises from the manor house behind me. There is some kind of renovation going on. I notice the hum from a highway far away. After these notions the rest of the session feels quiet and peaceful. There is almost no one walking along the river. The air feels cold but I’m thinking that I’m not going to be freezing this time. It seems that I have enough clothes. The zabuton and zafu feel comfortable.

At some point I feel some kind of connectedness and concentration at the same time. I watch the play of light on my eyes. A second I see a small dark dot in front of me. The sensation of concentration is deepening but somehow the phase diminishes after a while.

I’m thinking that sitting outside makes the sensations of connectedness stronger. At the same time it seems to flush the small everyday worries away. There's a big difference in sitting here and sitting at home. The coldness of air, the sounds and the possibility of others going by make a difference. Also the possibility to hear or see animals seems to make a difference. When sitting outside there is a stronger sensation of togetherness and connectedness, but also the inner peace seems to be easier to find.

In the end of the session I observe how does the coldness of air feel on my skin. The idea of a cold sheet pops into my mind: like I'm wrapped in a cold, starched sheet. It's made out of strong white cotton. I feel the coldness simultaneously in my back and arms. It doesn’t feel uncomfortable, more like refreshing, like menthol. I feel good, strong, confident and calm.

3.2.2014, In the morning

The weather is very nice even it snows a little and there is a light breeze. In the beginning I notice a pattering sound coming from snowflakes hitting against my hat’s ear flaps. I feel myself very concentrated.

First encounter with someone. In the end part of the session I hear rattling noises and I’m thinking that some dog walker is going somewhere near me. I open my eyes and see a lady with a dog coming at me. First thought: I failed to choose a solitary spot. Then a thought: is she concerned about me. The dog is small and dark-colored. Somehow its shape reminds me a mini-pig. The dog growls and barks at me. It looks funny and confused, suspicious. I smile to them. The lady says: “Look, it’s really wondering about you”. I look them going by and smile. It was a very nice encounter and actually I feel happy afterwards about it.

2.2.2014, forenoon 

Testing my new gear. I made a cover for my zabuton, so I can take it anywhere. The weather is nice and the snow has finally come. It feels comfortable to sit outside in this weather and with these equipment. 

My mind is quite everydayish for the first half of the session. Thoughts and normal sensations. I feel good and happy.

On the second half I’m more or less in a deeper and more peaceful mind state. In the beginning of this phase I’m thinking momentarily togetherness, and suddenly I feel some joy and belonging. This reminds me about the last session outside, where a thought anticipated the transition of my mind state. The same question pops into my mind: which one came first, the thought or some kind of unconscious sensation of togetherness? I notice also that I’m smiling. It just happened. I feel that I could focus my attention into something to deepen my state, so, I notice some kinds of flames or lights I can see even my eyes are not open. I see some kind of pulsing and a dark spot in front of me. After a while I notice that the lights are moving in the rhythm of my breath. When I inhale two bright spots appears in the middle of my sight and on exhale they move up to the left corner of my sight. I watch this for a while and notice that I feel very focused. The sensation is clear, almost cold.

After some time the mind state is blurred a bit. I notice the air on my face. Apparently I open my eyes. The color tone of the backyard is somehow peculiar: lots of contrast but not so much colors. I wonder for a while, is it because of my mind state or just because the sun has went supposedly behind a cloud. Suddenly I feel some kind of chills and I feel my whole body at once. This sensation is very hard to describe. If I try to verbalize if, it feels like empty and incomprehensible. The sensation is mixed with some kind of dark image: it is like a drawn/pencil-sketched area or amoeba-shaped figure, but it’s color is dark or even black. I wonder this sensation for a while.

Some kind of restful phase continues. I feel the similar kind chill/emptiness/nonlinguistic sensation again. I’m in peaceful state and I feel very confident that this project of sitting outside is right one for me right now. I feel joy that I can be outside.

In the morning, 31.1.2014

In the beginning I sense some kind of “after pain” in my right hand fingers. There was some kind of hassle with the camera before the sitting when I was taking this session's picture and my hands were frozen.

Peculiar sounds. I open my eyes several times. Wind is moving the branches (or is it the frost?) and there are sounds like someone would be releasing stretched springs. There is an outdoor path maybe 30 meters from my position and I’m curious, can the by-passers see me. No one seems to even watch to this direction, but it seems to be some kind of concern for myself: what if someone discovers I'm sitting here? I watch, how a jogger goes by, and a cyclist, and a lady with a dog.

My thoughts are drawn into the idea of these outdoor sessions. I'm thinking some time the blog I was planning to put up for this project. Some dreaming about how there would be some interest for this little project. This is a voice or tone, which seems to be invincible. And then there is the opposing voice, who thinks that no-one cares. At some point I wake up and I notice that there appears to be also some thoughts, which are saying that I should not dream this way. Some part of myself thinks that this kinds of thoughts are vain.

I hear some new continuing sound and think it must be some kind of vehicle or machine driving or doing something near me. Suddenly I realize that it’s the wind. It has increased. When it stops again I hear like someone would pour some liquid down to the ground. The first idea is that someone has come into the woods and is urinating, but then I got an idea that it must come from the falling needles. I feel confident with this assumption. It's intriguing discovery. When the wind rises again I feel similar confidence. I know what is happening, so, I don’t have to open my eyes.

I’m starting to feel cold. There is a frozen spot in my right leg. I change my posture. The coldness is starting to feel all over my body. Some kind of terror is crawling into my thoughts. Should I just stop and go home? I calm myself and continue to sit.

I hear a bird somewhere up in the trees. Suddenly I have a question in my head: am I going to feel togetherness with these surroundings? At the same time I feel like I’m sinking into some kind of darkness. It’s not the feeling of falling asleep, but somehow similar sensation of relaxation or “draining”. I feel that I’m inseparable part of this place. At the same time, I wonder did my thoughts produce this or was this mind state already coming but my conscious thoughts just noticed it in a form of a thought/question. The sensation of togetherness lasts for a while, maybe half a minute or so, and then it’s gone.

I’m feeling very cold. My belly is trembling a little and I notice that my chin is also quivering. I feel a strong need to stop. I have a fear that I will not survive this. At the same time I’m thinking that everything is okay. I remind myself to be benevolent for myself. I also notice that I’m not stressed or nervous. Everything seems to be just fine. It’s an interesting mixture of fearfulness and peacefulness. The worry about physical conditions has flushed away all the other kinds of worries. Things have been prioritized automatically. There is a crow sitting just in front of myself up in the tree. A thought that it wouldn’t be nice to be an animal who had to live the whole winter outside.

Somehow all this is amusing me and I smile. I’m freezing but somehow this whole exploration seems to be meaningful. I feel confidence that this is worth of the troubles. When the bell rings I’m delighted but also little surprised.