24 hours outdoor retreat, near Väärälampi

12.–13.3.2014, Temperature between -1ºC and +8ºC (30ºF and 46ºF)

Here are some scattered notes from my first overnight retreat in the woods. The experience was highly inspiring and interesting. Because of the coldness after the sunset I had a shivering and unpleasant night, but I think it was a strong experience. Even the spot was otherwise near human civilization I couldn't escape the weather conditions. I have a strong feeling that these kinds of experiences can change radically the way you think about yourself and the world. I’m just waiting the next opportunity to have a solitary retreat under the open sky.

Excerpts from the diary:
After I find a solid posture I can feel how my body radiates heat inside the sleeping bag. It feels very cosy. I sit. Some thoughts. After a while I feel that my concentration gets better and I can feel my mind state is deepening. My visual scene gets lighter. I see white lightness but the mind state becomes soon fragmented.

I saw three white-tailed deers when I got here. Now and then I look around me to check if there is some animals around me. I notice only a crow flying far away. I seem to have some kind of desire to see wildlife. Maybe I have a desire to be connected with my surroundings, and I have noticed that living creatures enables that sensation to emerge. In the end of the session I silently say to myself: “This is it. I don’t need anything else.” I feel I’m ready for now and I stop the session.

I probably fell into some kind of hypnagogic state at some point. (I had lunch and after that I started to sit again.) I wake up suddenly because I hear an unusual sound. It’s like the sound of a camera shutter. My first thought is that there is someone or something very near me. I open my eyes but I don’t see anything unusual. I’m very alert. My mind tries to resolve the puzzle: what was it? The second explanation is that my camera or phone took accidentally a picture. The sound was like some kind of crash of metal or other hard material. That explanation does not feel reasonable either. I start to think that maybe I was falling asleep and the sound came from a dream. 

I feel very alive. I look around me and notice that this event made me fear a little. I connect this thought to Charlie Fisher’s book, where the idea is that we can see ourselves clearly when we are surrounded by nature with all its lovely and fearful aspects. (After the session I notice that my plastic coffee filter has fallen off the vine I put it hanging, so, the sound came probably from that.)



After I made some tea I sit quite long time. I sit in a new spot. It is hard to find a good posture in this new place, but anyway I just sit. At some point I feel I’m ready to stop, but I just keep going. My mind is cloudy and blurry. Now and then I open my eyes, but there is nothing to see. I change my posture couple of times. Everything seems to be great. I don’t need anything I don’t have here. I don’t think everyday stuff too much.

At some point I hear an owl hooting, or at least I think was an owl. Right after that I'm thinking would there be this kinds of sounds after dark. I notice the sounds of cars and airplanes from the distance. It reminds me that I’m not that far from urban life.



I wander around my camp surroundings and decide to chance the place my camp a little. From the new spot I can see the sunset. I feel that this new spot is better for sleeping. It’s dryer and I can see in all directions. I take some pictures. It’s a nice alternative activity between the sittings.

I start to sit again. In this session I feel how the nature around me makes me alert. If I hear a peculiar sound, even an extremely silent one, I automaticly open my eyes and look around me. This happens many times. It seems that I’m a little bit worried about the night and about sleeping here. I think this is the first time in my life I’m going to spend a night really alone (and without a tent) in the woods.

My mind is getting really creative with different kinds of scenarios including me and wild animals. It feels like I’m preparing myself for some kind of encounter.

At some point a thought comes into my consciousness: would it be possible to deepen my concentration? At the very same moment the mind state alters and I feel I’m falling somewhere. I try to find some kind of focus point but I loose the momentum. After that I start to think different kinds of scenarios and future fantasies.

In the end of the session I feel some kind of doubt: is this enough for now? I feel somehow relaxed and exhausted at the same time, so I decide to stop. 

Almost full moon is shining in the sky. I wonder would there be stars at night. If yes, I will see them very well from this spot. Now I’m going to make some soup and tea.



During the last session the darkness came. I feel the worry which is connected with the unknown of the dark woods. I’m alert and a little bit panicky. Every time I open my eyes the scene is darker. At some point it is difficult to see the figures of the trees anymore. A thought: was it eventually a good idea to come here? Do I survive? What if I get some kind of panic attack? Different kinds of thoughts about wild animals, crazy people and even an UFO abduction! I wonder where this thought came from and I figure out that it came into my mind because the sunset looks quite similar than a typical UFO landing scene in a bad B-movie. The light is coming behind the trees in front of me.

I notice some tightness in my stomach. It feels like there would be a big lump or something. I ask myself: can I relax or surrender for this moment and develop more joyful or fearless mind state? I try not to push myself into anything. After a while a smile comes and I feel ease. Even I’m worried I feel I can manage this. In the end of the session I see how the moon is illuminating the trees nearby. It looks magical.



After a some physical jerks I continue to sit. I wear my specs now and I can see the forest sharply at the moonlight. Maybe because of this I feel more confident than earlier. I packed my stuff for the night, so maybe the confidence has also something to do with it. And a third outer cause can be that that it’s not going to be darker than this. I sit very long time, at least an hour.

In the middle part of the session I can feel confidence with a hint of worry. The worry is like some kind small tone under the confidence which seems to be strong. I start to focus on cars driving by somewhere far away and my senses get stronger and I feel that I’m concentrated. Sound of the wind mixes with the traffic noises.

In the end part of this session my legs and shoulders don’t hurt anymore and I feel easiness and some kind of tranquility. Everything seems clear and I don’t have any doubt should I be here right now. It is funny how much there is traffic: cars and airplanes.

I ate bread and washed my teeth. Small sitting session and then to sleep. A great day.



The night was horrible. I was very cold. First I fell asleep but after a while I woke up. I was freezing. It was very hard to wait the sunrise and the morning. Maybe at six o’clock I woke up again and sat a short session.

In the light of the sunrise all rocks and trees look like old friends. It is incredible how the same place feels so different. Some small animal jumps near me but I can’t see it clearly. It was black and bigger than a rat. Maybe a mink?

I make breakfast and drink a cup of coffee. I thought that I sit once more and then I start to pack my stuff and go home. After the cold night all activities feels equal. Cooking, sitting, eating – everything is just something I do. It’s a peculiar feeling. It feels cloudy and cozy at the same time. It probably has something to do with the lack of sleep and the physical stress of the cold night.

When I’m leaving I watch how a woodpecker flies from tree to tree and make some rattling noises while flying.